I HAVE TO GO NOW, IT’S THE DROUGHT!

1987 to 1992. 1928 to 1934. These are the longest drought periods California has experienced in the 20th century. Do you know what happened in 1993 and 1935? It rained again. A lot. And people took the bricks out of their toilets. Some oiled up their lawnmowers, while others brought their fountains out of hiding from the roving drought mobs. Other people, however, looked out their windows at the slashing rain and watched water bouncing off their cactus and gravel they had just paid thousands of dollars to replace their lawn because of the armafreaking drought.

Oh, California has had longer droughts, to be sure. Before Man was able to build anything bigger than a fire while dreaming of great inventions like the wheel, there were far more severe droughts in the land. The Great Drought of 850 AD to 1090AD was pretty big, wouldn’t you say? As was the dry spell from 1140 to 1320. Fortunately, a cold snap had already killed off the dinosaurs. This kept them from dying off because of thirst. Do you know what happened in 1321 and 1091? It rained. A lot. Again.

People need to realize that water isn’t oil. It’s not going to disappear. It’s a renewable resource; much like the bull crap being spewed by drought alarmists. One author even said he believes that it won’t be long before people with front lawns are looked upon the same way as drunk drivers and people who urinate in public.

When the first reported case of sand spilling from a sputtering water faucet occurs, I’ll begin to worry. Until it rains again. Until then, water your lawns, fill your swimming pools, wash your cars and enjoy lingering showers. And tell the people who are still running water fountains to stop waisting electricity.

* * *

As a songwriter, you can hear a few samples here, I love great lyricists. However, I take issue with a few lines from Don McLean’s two most popular songs.

In “American Pie,” he sings:

I met a girl who sang the blues

And I asked her for some happy news

But she just smiled and turned away

Dummy! Why would you ask a blues singer for some happy news? Were you trying to ruin her career?

Do you walk up to jackals that are tearing into fresh-killed gazelle flesh and ask them for a happy meal? Would you ask Hannibal Lechter for a tender kiss? You’re lucky the girl just smiled and turned away. She probably was about ready to jam an icepick through your wispy freaking skull.

And in “Vincent” when you sing:

How you suffered for your sanity

Van Gough was suffering because he had just lopped of his damn ear to pay the postage on a love letter. That’s sanity? If someone is truly suffering for their sanity, that means they were unjustly locked up in a mental institution and the inmates just learned there was an imposter among them.

That’s it for now. Oh, and by the way, do you like sports? Because if so, this is my other blog. Have some coke and a smile.

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