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This is a great time to be alive for sports fans. Today, unlike 50 years ago, widescreen plasma TVs, pay-per-view, 500 channels, Internet streaming, and surround sound home theater make it easier than ever these days to shut out the cloying family with all their neediness and enjoy all the athletes with their greediness.

Here then, is a segue, and just a few of my thoughts on today’s sports news:

Leave it to two of my favorite douchebag NFL teams to chase after woman-beater Greg Hardy with puckered lips and not clenched fists. Enjoy your old-man mud wrestling, Pete Carroll and Jerry Jones.

March Madness begins this week. I’m talking about the brawls that take place when drunken slobs start pinching people who aren’t wearing green. I care about college basketball just a bit more than I do St. Patrick’s Day.

In fact, I’m head-in-the-toilet sick of St. Patrick’s Day and Cinco de Mayo. Do we really need two extra days of collegiate drinking leading up to spring break? Protestants slugging Guinness and trying to sound Irish while making that Lucky Charms fellow cringe? Whites shooting tequila and trying to make the “Aye-yi-yi” grito? Wake me when the Korean Harvest Day becomes a big deal.

Chris Boreland, the promising young linebacker for the 49ers finally decided to call it a career today, after playing an entire year for the doomed franchise. He had already suffered two earlier concussions and didn’t want to take any further chances on the sport ruining his brain. If only the Forty Niner ownership had made the same choice before they allowed their brains to ruin the team!

Oh, and cue all the hysterical mobs wringing their hands over football being too violent, and all the “Love me, I’m a Liberal” writers giving credence to their utter panic. People. This country is one-part boxing, one-part football, one part baseball, and one part STFU!

This just in from my Al Is Dead. Long Live Al! File: WHOA! What is Coors putting in Coors light these days? Here I thought I was just downing a nice bottle of donkey piss, but then I see the headline, “Raiders sign Trent Richardson.” WTF? Is today the anniversary of Al Davis’ death? If it is, is his son honoring his father’s memory by starting a new tradition? Is that tradition to drink until his brain is addled and then make the stupidest signing of the biggest piece of crap on earth? I CANNOT wait to watch them at the draft this year!

Just saw this headline on MSN: Has the Window Closed On Tiger vs Phil At Masters?

Well, every time a door shuts, a window opens. However, sometimes a door shuts, and then the house gets tented.

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