Happy Birthday, You Sick Pud

MSN has run a “Birthday Special” on facts about Kim Jong-un. Really? Some fun little facts about a corrupt, murdering little whelp on his special day? Wow! Let’s check it out. I’ll run a little factoid and follow it with my reaction.

A Mysterious Birthday. There is no telling whether the actual year of his birth is 1981-’82, or ’83.

Hmm…shouldn’t be too hard to decipher. Just ask his mother what year it was when she, instead of lady boys, gave Mr. Toad his wild ride.

He Enrolled In University Under the Fake Name Pak Un

Yeah, because the flabby-cheeked boy wishing all his teachers into the cornfield wasn’t going to be noticed.

A Big Fan of Nike Shoes. Unlike his father, he had no issues with American branding. He even owned a collection of Nike shoes!

  1. His father was a whore for the American NBA brand, and American movies, among other things normal Koreans couldn’t get; like American toilet paper.
  2. When you have as many skeletons and burger wrappers in your closet as this pud does, a few Nike shoes shouldn’t come as a great surprise.

He Was Caught with a Porn Magazine in His School Days

Was that by the uncle he had murdered?

He Likes Smoking and Drinking

And porn!

He Handpicked the Singers for North Korea’s First All-Girl Band: The Morenbong Band

Singing their hits:

“Here Comes the Sun, Thanks to Kim Jong-un!”

“Chain of Subversives”

“Light My Nuke” and,

“Meow So Horny for Sexy Kim”

Despite Having No Military Experience, He Was Appointed General to the Army in 2010

Actually, that’s okay. Clinton, Bush, and Obama have were each given the title “Commander in Chief”

Rungrado Stadium Is the Largest Stadium in the World

It holds 150,000 people and North Korea doesn’t have any sports teams. Hey, these trials and executions aren’t just going to host themselves!

Only Two Percent of the Roads in the Country Are Paved

That’s two-percent more than they had in the old west, and they had better cars than North Korea.

Oh my goodness, I just can’t go on! There is too much greatness in North Korea, thanks to the Kim Jong Dynasty. Citizens can only have state approved haircuts, teachers must pass an accordion test,

the fruit of their researchers’ work finding that North Korea is the second happiest country in the world just behind…China, and the greatness, emanating from the Kim Jong dynasty continues to shine down upon the people of North Korea.

Happy birthday, Kim Jong-un. I sincerely hope that you not only get all the worldly pleasures you desire, but that you get everything that you deserve.

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